WHEN THE ROAD ENDS
I WILL NO LONGER BLOG HERE.
BUT I WONT CLOSE THIS BLOG
BECAUSE IT HOLDS ALL OUR MEMORIES
WHICH I CAN NEVER FORGET
AND WILL REMAIN IN MY HEART FOREVER
LOVE U ALWAYS
Time sometimes flies really fast.
Like now, when 1 month have passed.
Since I've seen you. Since we've met. Since I've held your hand and hold you tight.
Since I've played a piece for you. Since we ate, watch a movie, played wii, ran in the rain together.
Everyday I miss you, knowing how much I've hurt you.
I stil cant accept wtf is happening right now.
Mayb one day, we'll be back together. Whether as friends or couple I really dont know.
Time sometimes pass really slow.
Like now, not knowing if your love for me is true.
We cant buy time, we only can spend it.
All the things u say might just be empty promises.
I cannot control ur actions, ur feelings.
But,
time stil moves, and we all stil have to wake up for work, to eat, to get things done.
never said it will be easier each day.
never wanted for u to cry for me.
never asked for u to love me
never knew things could turn out this way
I only can figure out one thing.
I think I stil love you,
Cos only u can make me angry, make me cry, make me happy, make me feel lost, make me feel like I belong, all at once.
I dun believe it was a wasted 4 years. I stil hold our happy and sad moments together. Although alot of things we dun see eye to eye. We stil respect each other and try to commit. I like writing a bloody essay on my love story. But some things I just dunno how to tell u. So I just blog about it.
I stil worry about your meals, your work, your stress, things I can do better.
But all only think in my heart. Im no one to do that for you now.
Crying with the rain, my heart is a blur as my eyes right now.
You both deserve so much better then me.
I cant even make a fucking decision.
Single life is better and worse.
But I'll survive.
Do I love you?
I dont know.
Then why am I crying my soul out.
I dont know.
All the things we've been through. All the quarrels. All the flowers. All the birthdays, valentine's days, christmas days, school days. Poor days, rich days, happy days, sad days. 1542 days as of today we spent with each other. Dont mean a fucking thing to u?
Why do you have to appear in my life. Why did you let me love you, miss you.
You.
See all my flaws and stil love me for all my flaws.
He
Dont see all my flaws cos there's nothing he dont love about me.
You.
Like me to do things to make you happy cos you know it makes me happy too.
He.
Like to do things to make me happy cos he'll be happy too.
You.
Hate to make mistakes cos you want us to be perfect.
He.
Does all the mistakes cos he know he'll never be perfect.
You.
Make me want to marry you.
He.
Wants to marry me.
Both.
Love me with all ur heart.
Willing to sacrifice ur life for me.
Work like fuck for a future tgt.
Just want to keep me and love me forever.
Makes u feel that its time to settle down and have a life.
Have only me in ur heart.
I dont deserve,
to be loved that much. Not by both of you.
I'm not worth it.
I din expect it could hurt so much.
Somehow this reminds me of someone who told me, its never good to love 2 people, who broke up because he did what i'm doing now. I wanna tell u, u were right. U were right all along. And u were right, that its impossible to let go.
I cant let go. But I really dun deserve anything right now, other den lots of tissue and hanky, and shoulders to cry on.
TIME OUT.
I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I zHATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.
Wee!
1st day went really smoothly! Sold a bag and a wrislet! =D Alot of things to be learnt. Not really sure what to do. So lost and blur. But everyone was really nice. They tried to help when they could.
6 months contract. Im sure will pass by really fast.
I'm stil having fever and flu. SUX.
The heart wants what it cannot take, and needs what it cannot give.
No.1 will always remain as no.1
I Love You.
Loads of updates.
Most importantly, I working again!
Paragon, Coach. Starting next month in March. 6 month's contract.
I'm really tired from all the quarrelling and crying. I just want things to be the way they were. Simple and happy. Even if I turn back time, things will stil be the same right now.
I dont regret.
My phone drop in water. Yes dun laugh! LOL and now i'm using a buang phone cos my contract not up yet. Need wait 1 month. Dun laugh liao la! Next month I dunno what phone to get. Everybody say iphone cos everyone's using it and I said I dowan follow everyone and yet now when I have no phone, I think I'll just get iphone. zzz lol sia.
Suddenly I'm all outta words.
Hmm.
Think I'll update the birthday stuff next post.
Dun get excited guys! I'm super uber excited myself! LOL! Wee!
Jobless.
Ok I think I've said that before.
Tired.
From all the sleepless nights.
Emo.
Just kidding!
Haha.. Alot has been going on recently. Emotional roller coaster nia. Fk this family, other den my sis. U're the world to me man. =)
This update actually nt much of an update. Cos too many things going on and I dowan to type it all out.
Thanks gf for hearing all my problems and giving me idea.. though nt much use. Cos stil cant settle anything.
Really dunno why I have such parents but I'm sure its some kinda test or what to make me stronger. To be independent and realise that actually Im really really lucky to have people around me that love me and teng wo in ways that I feel I'm worth something.
Alvin faster come back leh, I got so many things to tell u. Ur 10 day outfield is killing me. 10 days used to pass by so fast. But the last 1 week I felt I almost died somewhere.
Dear dun always work so hard leh. Sometimes I feel stress for u and that I cant do anything but only encourage u everyday with sms and calls. I'm like ur kp bin. Forever cannot fill up. I guess thats all I can do bah. Love u always.
Adrian! Here's ur update lor. But abit emo la.. Paiseh ah.. Nv update cos too many bad things happening. See ur name here sure gan dong one right! LOLL!!
k la, sign off liao before I crumble into nothing blogging abt things I dowan to think about.
P.s. Anybody got spare room/rooms for rent? Let me know thanks =)
Ok I think I've said that before.
Tired.
From all the sleepless nights.
Emo.
Just kidding!
Haha.. Alot has been going on recently. Emotional roller coaster nia. Fk this family, other den my sis. U're the world to me man. =)
This update actually nt much of an update. Cos too many things going on and I dowan to type it all out.
Thanks gf for hearing all my problems and giving me idea.. though nt much use. Cos stil cant settle anything.
Really dunno why I have such parents but I'm sure its some kinda test or what to make me stronger. To be independent and realise that actually Im really really lucky to have people around me that love me and teng wo in ways that I feel I'm worth something.
Alvin faster come back leh, I got so many things to tell u. Ur 10 day outfield is killing me. 10 days used to pass by so fast. But the last 1 week I felt I almost died somewhere.
Dear dun always work so hard leh. Sometimes I feel stress for u and that I cant do anything but only encourage u everyday with sms and calls. I'm like ur kp bin. Forever cannot fill up. I guess thats all I can do bah. Love u always.
Adrian! Here's ur update lor. But abit emo la.. Paiseh ah.. Nv update cos too many bad things happening. See ur name here sure gan dong one right! LOLL!!
k la, sign off liao before I crumble into nothing blogging abt things I dowan to think about.
P.s. Anybody got spare room/rooms for rent? Let me know thanks =)
2 more weeks to being jobless.
I worry abt alot of things. Alot of things on my mind. They just keep swimming around and around. Make me cannot slp sia. Arrrrr.
Having 2nd thoughts abt the party and stuff. Though there is progress, not sure if mayb I shld just have a private party with close friends or a big one with hopefully all the ppl in my guestlist. Later plan dao so much, nobody wanna go. LOL! no la, i mean cant expect all the people to turn up right.
Hmm. on other things, shld I find a job now? or wait till after CNY. Of cos ideal would be a part time job preferably on weekdays ONLY. So I can prepare for the party and study music and learn driving, and do all the things I want to do.
Tml gonna be another boring day at work. YAWNS!
I worry abt alot of things. Alot of things on my mind. They just keep swimming around and around. Make me cannot slp sia. Arrrrr.
Having 2nd thoughts abt the party and stuff. Though there is progress, not sure if mayb I shld just have a private party with close friends or a big one with hopefully all the ppl in my guestlist. Later plan dao so much, nobody wanna go. LOL! no la, i mean cant expect all the people to turn up right.
Hmm. on other things, shld I find a job now? or wait till after CNY. Of cos ideal would be a part time job preferably on weekdays ONLY. So I can prepare for the party and study music and learn driving, and do all the things I want to do.
Tml gonna be another boring day at work. YAWNS!
Yep, One of those sleepless nights where I cant sleep.
Alot things on my mind.
I hate it when I think alot, and then tell myself, "Oi, u think too much la" and then 2 seconds later I start thinking again. Zzzzzzz
Think got use meh?! Why my stupid brain keeping thinking abt stuff..
Stuff that is not impt but I think about it and it becomes impt. Arrrr....
Ok la, I just wanna blog to update a little and move on about the driving thing in my previous post.
2 weeks more to my jobless life. 2 VERY slow weeks to pass.... bad crowd.. dun feel like new year at all. Hahh..
Sorry to those who I owe meetups and meals and catch-ups. Dont complain liao la!!
A little note - things that I think are bad qualities of me. lol
Things that are hard for me to do:
1. Telling lies
2. Letting go, emotionally mostly
3. Asking direct questions
4. Reading maps
5. Rejecting people
Things that are easy for me to do:
1. Cry
2. Spending money (this one everyone is guilty of la, dun kid urself! haha)
3. Trusting people
Those are the things I really wanna change abt me but cant. And I get angry cos I'm like that and end up cant really handle things properly.
Sometimes I really dunno how I'll survive without dear. Almost everything I rely on him, or mayb cos he's always being protective and do things for me without me knowing.
Cant believe we actually had a huge quarrel over minor things after all these years.
And I realised without him I really dont have anyone to turn to for shelter.
As in someone who I can just cry and be vunerable infront of, and not just listen to me grumbling and sobbing and tell me things that I already know.
This is reality ma, honestly speaking say is say only. Anyone can say ya u'll be here for me. But words are empty without action. When sth really happens, u can confirm u'll be there?
In reality, all comes down to yourself when u're alone in the dark.
And maybe that's how we all grow up and move on.
Alot things on my mind.
I hate it when I think alot, and then tell myself, "Oi, u think too much la" and then 2 seconds later I start thinking again. Zzzzzzz
Think got use meh?! Why my stupid brain keeping thinking abt stuff..
Stuff that is not impt but I think about it and it becomes impt. Arrrr....
Ok la, I just wanna blog to update a little and move on about the driving thing in my previous post.
2 weeks more to my jobless life. 2 VERY slow weeks to pass.... bad crowd.. dun feel like new year at all. Hahh..
Sorry to those who I owe meetups and meals and catch-ups. Dont complain liao la!!
A little note - things that I think are bad qualities of me. lol
Things that are hard for me to do:
1. Telling lies
2. Letting go, emotionally mostly
3. Asking direct questions
4. Reading maps
5. Rejecting people
Things that are easy for me to do:
1. Cry
2. Spending money (this one everyone is guilty of la, dun kid urself! haha)
3. Trusting people
Those are the things I really wanna change abt me but cant. And I get angry cos I'm like that and end up cant really handle things properly.
Sometimes I really dunno how I'll survive without dear. Almost everything I rely on him, or mayb cos he's always being protective and do things for me without me knowing.
Cant believe we actually had a huge quarrel over minor things after all these years.
And I realised without him I really dont have anyone to turn to for shelter.
As in someone who I can just cry and be vunerable infront of, and not just listen to me grumbling and sobbing and tell me things that I already know.
This is reality ma, honestly speaking say is say only. Anyone can say ya u'll be here for me. But words are empty without action. When sth really happens, u can confirm u'll be there?
In reality, all comes down to yourself when u're alone in the dark.
And maybe that's how we all grow up and move on.
When I go home, it means I go to my room. I go into my room and never come out. I only go out to pee & shit, shower, find food or go my sis's room. I eat in my room, watch tv in my room, use laptop in my room. I hate it out there.
I'm out more than I'm home. And that's the way I want it. My family = me and my sis. That's it. The less I talk to my mom the better. Who cares if she sees this shit. I dont care. Why are my parents like that. Why other ppl's parents are understanding and thoughtful and motherly! My mom's selfishness has no boundaries. And i'm not exaggerating. I've tried. For years, literally..
Here's proof. And i'm blogging it in black and white to document it. Havent been talking to my mom since september. (Since I started working) The only time I talk to her is when I give her money, when I come home and she nags abt some shit. Silence has been good so far. And I know its good when I talk to her.
Story. Will tell it as objectively as possible. (My thoughts in brackets)
Asking her casually if she would sponsor me to learn driving. (Just ask for fun, who knows right? Although asking might be a bad idea, but dun ask = no chance) Mayb next time can send her to places.
Her immediate reponse was: "Wow, learn driving expensive right? need at least 1k horr" (1k to u like peanuts luh). "No no, cannot, very expensive leh. Later u wana use my car how. Then I will very inconvenient right?"
"Can drive u to places ma."
She continues her rant. "Later I sponsor u then in the end cannot use car cos u will want to borrow, why would I want to inconvenient myself!"
"Later u use my car I more scared ah, more scared u know."
"You think if u I want to go orchard ask u fetch u will fetch? U think u will? I dont think so right?"
(fk la bitch, this isnt all abt u u u can)
"You think I'm that kinda person meh? I alr say can drive u to places wad, if not learn driving for what?"
"So u can use the car lor! borrow borrow, i need to use everyday one leh i got work how u use if u learn driving?"
(So u trying to say that u sponsor me is wasted money cos u will use car everyday and wont let me use? only if u wana go orchard then u ask me fetch which u think I wont? wtf la bitch)
"If you think I'm that kinda person then so be it lo."
Her reply is power:
"Why u like that! I'm just saying later u need to use the car then I very inconvenient right?"
(Why isit all about u?)
She cont.
"Maybe next time when I old and cant see cant drive then u can go learn driving wad. Then I dun mind sponsor la."
I repeated myself, knowing she doesnt hear ppl's replies.
"If u think Im that kinda person then its ok la. Forget I ask, I go learn driving with my own money and get my own car. Next time u cant drive cant see not my prob. Since u think I'm that kinda person also no point."
She rants sth else and goes to her room. Who cares what she say. Conversation ended.
Cant believe how selfish she is.
Wait till she's a blind bitch with no sense of driving then sponsor me to learn driving? By then I think my kids start working already la, sponsor what shit.
So u see, this is no joke. When I say silence is golden. Its pure golden like fresh honey pouring out from a bee's hive. Cant even have a decent conversation with her.
Thanks mom for teaching me to be independent. Everytime when sth cocks up, she's busy at work. Nv pick up the phone. Too busy earning money for herself then to care abt our calls. I sometimes feel like not caring abt my parents. Whatever happens their business. They care the most is money money money! Nv cherish, nv try. All for own gain, selfish actions.
Xian shi as we call it, we stil owe our lives to them. I feel as if I'm no longer their responsibility and yet they are my responsibility now. But how are they my responsibilty when I'm not ready for it yet.
Fk care la, I take care of myself can alr. They so bz earning money can take care of themselves alr.
No one can uds, other then my sis. So dont bother telling me to take it easy. Cos it just doesnt work that way.
I'm out more than I'm home. And that's the way I want it. My family = me and my sis. That's it. The less I talk to my mom the better. Who cares if she sees this shit. I dont care. Why are my parents like that. Why other ppl's parents are understanding and thoughtful and motherly! My mom's selfishness has no boundaries. And i'm not exaggerating. I've tried. For years, literally..
Here's proof. And i'm blogging it in black and white to document it. Havent been talking to my mom since september. (Since I started working) The only time I talk to her is when I give her money, when I come home and she nags abt some shit. Silence has been good so far. And I know its good when I talk to her.
Story. Will tell it as objectively as possible. (My thoughts in brackets)
Asking her casually if she would sponsor me to learn driving. (Just ask for fun, who knows right? Although asking might be a bad idea, but dun ask = no chance) Mayb next time can send her to places.
Her immediate reponse was: "Wow, learn driving expensive right? need at least 1k horr" (1k to u like peanuts luh). "No no, cannot, very expensive leh. Later u wana use my car how. Then I will very inconvenient right?"
"Can drive u to places ma."
She continues her rant. "Later I sponsor u then in the end cannot use car cos u will want to borrow, why would I want to inconvenient myself!"
"Later u use my car I more scared ah, more scared u know."
"You think if u I want to go orchard ask u fetch u will fetch? U think u will? I dont think so right?"
(fk la bitch, this isnt all abt u u u can)
"You think I'm that kinda person meh? I alr say can drive u to places wad, if not learn driving for what?"
"So u can use the car lor! borrow borrow, i need to use everyday one leh i got work how u use if u learn driving?"
(So u trying to say that u sponsor me is wasted money cos u will use car everyday and wont let me use? only if u wana go orchard then u ask me fetch which u think I wont? wtf la bitch)
"If you think I'm that kinda person then so be it lo."
Her reply is power:
"Why u like that! I'm just saying later u need to use the car then I very inconvenient right?"
(Why isit all about u?)
She cont.
"Maybe next time when I old and cant see cant drive then u can go learn driving wad. Then I dun mind sponsor la."
I repeated myself, knowing she doesnt hear ppl's replies.
"If u think Im that kinda person then its ok la. Forget I ask, I go learn driving with my own money and get my own car. Next time u cant drive cant see not my prob. Since u think I'm that kinda person also no point."
She rants sth else and goes to her room. Who cares what she say. Conversation ended.
Cant believe how selfish she is.
Wait till she's a blind bitch with no sense of driving then sponsor me to learn driving? By then I think my kids start working already la, sponsor what shit.
So u see, this is no joke. When I say silence is golden. Its pure golden like fresh honey pouring out from a bee's hive. Cant even have a decent conversation with her.
Thanks mom for teaching me to be independent. Everytime when sth cocks up, she's busy at work. Nv pick up the phone. Too busy earning money for herself then to care abt our calls. I sometimes feel like not caring abt my parents. Whatever happens their business. They care the most is money money money! Nv cherish, nv try. All for own gain, selfish actions.
Xian shi as we call it, we stil owe our lives to them. I feel as if I'm no longer their responsibility and yet they are my responsibility now. But how are they my responsibilty when I'm not ready for it yet.
Fk care la, I take care of myself can alr. They so bz earning money can take care of themselves alr.
No one can uds, other then my sis. So dont bother telling me to take it easy. Cos it just doesnt work that way.
Memory Pinches
About US
Shirlene Chan
Borned on:
11th April 1989
Education:
Tao Nan Pri, Bedok View Sec, Singapore Polytechnic
Geoffrey Yam
Borned on:
21st October 1985
Education:
Yu Hua Pri, Tanglin Sec, Informatics (networking and cyber security)
Borned on:
11th April 1989
Education:
Tao Nan Pri, Bedok View Sec, Singapore Polytechnic
Geoffrey Yam
Borned on:
21st October 1985
Education:
Yu Hua Pri, Tanglin Sec, Informatics (networking and cyber security)
RoyaL SpeeCh
Royalties
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